|
Post by dex on May 10, 2019 8:31:34 GMT -5
Today '82 and I are introducing a new feature to the wildly successful OT Board. The advice and opinion on these pages will range from intimacy to lunacy as folks struggle with their trials and Tribulations.It can be serious and it can be fun. Feel free Friar Fans to join in whenever you are so moved.
|
|
|
Post by dex on May 10, 2019 8:32:04 GMT -5
RELATIONSHIP ADVICE Cheating is over, hurt continues AMY DICKINSON
Dear Amy,
My wife and I were in a relationship before we got married. At that time, she cheated on me.
It was the most painful time of my life. She confessed right after that happened, said she’d made a mistake, and that she was sorry. We worked things out and got married a couple of years later.
During our marriage, this cheating incident has come up a few times, (not a lot) until recently.
While my wife is at work I sit home and for some reason this cheating thing pops up in my mind. I try not to think about it, but I can’t help it.
During the day I become consumed with the thought of what happened that night.
This is bothering me to the point of where I become physically sick.
I have talked about this to my wife, and she is willing to do anything she can to help me get over this.
— Stuck in the Past
You don’t say why you are home during the day while your wife is out at work, but I’m going to assume that you are either unemployed or that you are a stay-at-home parent; either possibility is stressful for you, and my theory is that this stress has triggered a cycle of rumination about this long-ago event.
The busier you are, the less you will dwell on this — or any one thing. You should exercise, take a fitness class, join a playgroup (if you’re a parent), or take up yoga — in short, do anything you can do to connect with other people during the day, while engaged in healthy pursuits.
— Write to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068, or email askamy@ amydickinson.com .
|
|
|
Post by dex on May 10, 2019 8:32:32 GMT -5
It’s too painful to see her ex’s sister CAROLYN HAX
Dear Carolyn,
My boyfriend of three years recently cheated on me, broke up with me through an email, and then ghosted me. I know I should be glad to be rid of him, but I loved him. I’m trying my best to go on without him.
Before and during our relationship I was very good friends with his sister. Seeing her now just reopens the wounds and our friendship is not what it used to be. I explained to her that it would be very difficult for me to pretend nothing was different, and I needed distance.
She is very angry with me and accuses me of breaking her heart, etc. Am I wrong or selfish? It is painful for me to see her because of all the memories.
— Anonymous
And it’s painful for her to get dumped for something her brother did.
I’m sorry your ex treated you so poorly. It looks like cowardice more than anything: His seeking escape from his doubts — instead of having the guts to admit them to you — would explain all of it, the cheating, the email breakup and the subsequent vanishing.
Anyway. I’m certainly not going to say you have to be friends with someone.
— Write to Carolyn Hax in care of The Providence Journal Features Department, 75 Fountain St., Providence, RI 02902, or email tellme@ washpost.com .
|
|
|
Post by johnnypc on May 10, 2019 11:43:14 GMT -5
might you have too much time on your hands.
|
|
friar82
Administrator
BCC Member
Posts: 8,159
|
Post by friar82 on May 10, 2019 12:16:21 GMT -5
might you have too much time on your hands. What motivates Forum Bullies? Signed, Timid One - Dear Timid One, Bullying is about power and dominance. In online forums, bullies use words to intimidate, isolate, and degrade their victims. Bullies are generally easy to pick out. Here are some common forum bully traits – Bullies use unsubstantiated personal attacks to denigrate their victims. Often, they resort to humor to get everyone to laugh at him, and in doing so isolates and degrades their target. In this way, their victim is neutralized, and serves as a strong reminder to everyone of the bully’s power. Bullies rule through fear. Bullies usually attack new targets. The best way to get yourself into a bully’s little black book of horrors is to appear weak, uncertain, and emotionally vulnerable. New contributions on online forums are also a bully’s favorite because they are new, unproven, and do not yet have a support system. The contributions and their poster are alone – and therefore easier to hunt-down and kill.
|
|
|
Post by johnnypc on May 10, 2019 12:34:47 GMT -5
I am truly sorry if I have offended anyone.
|
|
friar82
Administrator
BCC Member
Posts: 8,159
|
Post by friar82 on May 10, 2019 13:12:56 GMT -5
Not at all, Johnny.
"Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special!"
|
|
|
Post by dex on May 10, 2019 14:31:23 GMT -5
Good job ‘82 but aias we must add one more thing to do for “Johnny” because if indeed today is special:
Take that little blue pill
|
|
|
Post by dex on May 11, 2019 7:43:29 GMT -5
RELATIONSHIP ADVICE Bride’s mom worries about ‘mama’s boy’ AMY DICKINSON
Dear Amy,
My daughter’s boyfriend asked my husband and me for permission to marry our daughter last week.
He is a real nice guy and we feel comfortable with her marrying him. We told him so.
However, I do have one concern. He sounds like he’s a mama’s boy. He says he talks with his mom daily (I’m not sure if she initiates or if he does) and he has shared that his mom has strong opinions and gives advice freely.
He is an only child and his parents divorced when he was young. She is remarried now, but the boyfriend and mom spent many years alone together.
I want to either email him or speak with my daughter about this.
I want to reiterate that a husband needs to put his wife above all others, including his mom. That there may be times when my daughter’s interests are directly opposed to his mom’s and he needs to side with my daughter. I would advise my daughter to talk this out with him.
Perhaps I should have shared my concern when he visited, but I don’t want to start our relationship on the wrong foot. I also don’t want to alienate my daughter, but I do think it should be discussed before it becomes an issue.
Should I mind my own business?
— Mother-in-Law to Be
Please. Mind your own business.
The young man who wants to marry your daughter has respected your authority to the point where he followed tradition and sought your permission to marry her.
This is sweet and laudable. He is certainly doing his best to please you.
You have responded to his gesture by speculating about his relationship with his mother. Furthermore, while you criticize him for being a “mama’s boy,” (a fairly gross pejorative, by the way), you are seeking to dominate him by conveying that he must not be dominated by his mother, but instead be (in some sense) subservient to your daughter.
I completely agree with you that in marriage, both parties should prioritize the marriage as the central relationship in their lives. This can be a rough adjustment for some people, as their other relationships shift and change.
The key to forging a positive mother-in-law relationship is to never weigh in unless you are expressly asked. And even if you are asked, you should be extremely circumspect.
— Write to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068, or email askamy@ amydickinson.com .
|
|
|
Post by dex on May 11, 2019 7:44:14 GMT -5
Friend complains about finances CAROLYN HAX
Dear Carolyn,
My longtime best friend, Mary, has been complaining about her financial situation. She is self-employed and only works part time, by her choice. Another friend of ours is a professional business coach and has offered many times to help Mary set up a formal business plan and to help her learn to market herself more effectively, but Mary doesn’t want to put in the effort.
Lately Mary has been talking about taking on a second job but has no idea what she wants to do. She refuses to work for someone else because she only wants to work when she wants. She is not comfortable using most technology and has zero desire to earn a degree.
I know I can’t force Mary to do anything, but I don’t know how to keep sympathizing with her when she can’t seem to grasp that making more money might mean doing something she doesn’t like or on someone else’s terms. How can I kindly tell my friend there are no well-paying “work when you feel like it” options?
— Free Spirit’s Friend
I don’t think it’s free-spiritedness anymore when you’re chained to it.
“I’d love to be wrong about this, Mary, but from my perspective, you have a lot of energy to complain about your situation, but very little when it comes to doing something about it. That strikes me as a more reliable source of unhappiness than money shortages or having to report to somebody else.”
You can also just say to Mary, “In my experience, there are no well-paying ‘work when you feel like it’ options.
If you find one, though, please let the rest of us in on it.”
— Write to Carolyn Hax in care of The Providence Journal Features Department, 75 Fountain St., Providence, RI 02902, or email tellme@ washpost.com .
|
|
friar82
Administrator
BCC Member
Posts: 8,159
|
Post by friar82 on May 11, 2019 10:29:51 GMT -5
Q. Gifts for girlfriend’s family: I have been with my girlfriend for five months. After I got a big raise at work, I decided to splurge and upgrade my TV and computer. I knew my girlfriend was raised by a single mom, “DeeDee,” and that money was tight with the two younger brothers. I offered them my 4-year-old computer and TV. At first, my girlfriend’s mom was overjoyed. We drove down and set everything up for the kids. A week later, DeeDee texted me that her boys had destroyed both the TV and the computer and that it was my job to replace them. I told her no. She left a profanity-filled voice message. When I went to talk to my girlfriend, she came down on her mom’s side. It was an “accident,” and it wasn’t like I couldn’t afford to replace them. We fought. My girlfriend started to cry and I apologized to make her stop, but I am still hissed. I am questioning my relationship with her now. I do love her, but this entire situation has put things in a different light. We are each other’s first serious relationship. What do I need to do
A: Talk to your girlfriend again! Tell her that while you were sorry to see her cry, you didn’t apologize because you regretted saying no to her mother—you apologized because you were uncomfortable and you didn’t know how to handle it. Make it clear that while you’re not going to go out of your way to antagonize her mother, you stand by your decision not to replace the items her younger brothers destroyed. I think it’s fine that this has you reevaluating how you see your girlfriend—you two have only been together for five months, you both sound relatively young, and it’s a pretty inappropriate stunt for her mother to have pulled.
|
|
friar82
Administrator
BCC Member
Posts: 8,159
|
Post by friar82 on May 12, 2019 11:02:28 GMT -5
Thought of the day:
"...some day, your life is going to flash before you...make sure it's worth watching!"
|
|
|
Post by dex on May 13, 2019 7:46:55 GMT -5
Ex could be a pedophile CAROLYN HAX
Picture Dear Carolyn,
My son is getting married soon to a lovely woman. Since they are in their mid-30s they have told me they would like to start a family right away.
My ex is bipolar, which my children know.
However, they are not aware that he is a sex addict. I happen to know he makes obscene phone calls.
He acts very flirty around teenage girls. Likes to wrestle, tickle and pick them up.
While I do not know for a fact that he engages in child pornography, I believe he has that potential.
Should I tell my son and his wife this if/when they have a little girl? What do I tell?
— Ex
Tell your son what you know, whatever you know, now, just facts, because he deserves this knowledge, whether he has a little girl, a ball boy, or no children at all.
Tell your other children, too. You clearly mean well, but you are protecting the wrong entity here.
— Write to Carolyn Hax in care of The Providence Journal Features Department, 75 Fountain St., Providence, RI 02902, or email tellme@ washpost.com.
|
|
|
Post by dex on May 14, 2019 8:04:47 GMT -5
RELATIONSHIP ADVICE Witnesses to distress should intervene
AMY DICKINSON
Dear Amy,
I am perplexed by a situation my husband and I witnessed this afternoon in the downtown area of a large city we were visiting.
A woman waiting for a bus held a screaming child by the neck of his T-shirt as she yelled at him.
She claimed that she could not let him go or he’d run.
She had his shirt collar wrapped around her fist and his left arm wrenched within it all.
The boy was about five or six years old and was crying so loudly we could still hear him shrieking even when we were blocks away.
We were not the only ones to witness this situation. But I am ashamed to say, we did nothing to help this little guy. And neither did anyone else.
— Sick at Heart
Yes, you should have intervened. Worst-case scenario, he wasn’t her child and was being taken against his will.
On an appalling par with that awful prospect, she is his parent or guardian and treats him this way regularly.
One way to intervene is to simply try to interrupt the dynamic. You say (to the woman), “Wow, this is rough. Can I help?” Then you bend down, try to make eye contact with the upset child, and say, “Hi, buddy. Can you try to calm down and talk to me? Can you take a deep breath? Are you OK?”
Depending on what happens and how you perceive it, you should say, “I’m going to stand here near you until everybody calms down.” And then — again depending on what you see and perceive — you should consider calling the police.
— Write to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068, or email askamy@ amydickinson.com .
|
|
friar82
Administrator
BCC Member
Posts: 8,159
|
Post by friar82 on May 14, 2019 14:54:36 GMT -5
Thought of the Day:
" Deep inside the mind of every person hissing at KissCam, is a tortured sole longing to be kissed by the person sitting in the next seat"
|
|