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Post by dex on May 23, 2019 8:06:31 GMT -5
View on page RELATIONSHIP ADVICE Problems in an open marriage
AMY DICKINSON
Dear Amy,
My husband “Thomas” and I, both 67-year-old retirees, have been together for 39 years and married for four (we’re in a same-sex marriage).
About three years ago, Thomas met “Ray,” who is 13 years younger and in a fulfilling and demanding career with irregular hours.
The three of us now spend a couple evenings together each week.
When a day or more passes without a text from Ray, Thomas becomes more apprehensive that Ray is pulling out of the relationship. By the third day, Thomas is beside himself, and his fears begin to undermine my equilibrium.
This has happened several times, and each ends undramatically.
Could you advise me on ways to help Thomas cope with Ray’s occasional silences with more equanimity?
— Sometimes A Teenager
Your job is not to manage your partner’s feelings or reactions, but to manage your own. How do you feel when your husband expresses such an extreme reaction? You should be honest with him about the impact of his behavior on you.
Otherwise, you could point to patterns to help your husband recognize and perhaps better manage his own fears.
Riding the emotional roller coaster is potentially damaging to his health, as well as being destructive to your relationship with each other.
— Write to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068, or email askamy@ amydickinson.com .
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friar82
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Post by friar82 on May 23, 2019 20:33:43 GMT -5
In these troubling days of uncertainty surrounding Dex's future allegiances, I offer my "Thoughts for Today"...
"...Letting go of an OT Board Moderator can be complicated. That’s because the end of a daily content can create a void in our lives. Even if you are the one that initiated the departure and believe that the move to another OT Board is the best thing for all involved, letting go follows the same process:
1. Denial In this phase our heart rather than our head rules our belief system as we try to adjust to the idea of a day without "Advise for the Lovelorn & More". Against the better judgment of everyone around us, we can’t help but entertain fantasies of the column being refreshed with new content on a daily basis. We see hidden glimmers of hope buried in clear indications that it’s over.
2. Anger Anger can manifest in many different ways—anger at the departed OT Mod (“How could he do this to me? Why can’t he stop being selfish?”), anger at the Proboards or the universe (“Why can’t anything ever work out for me? Why am I cursed?”), anger at other posters (anger at the WTM for denying the sleep pod chair; anger at BCJoe for ratting Dex out for prancing around Westerly in powder blue; or anger Ed Cooley and Flipper (why did they have to set the template that Dex followed?). This is the phase where we think it’s a great idea to tell anyone and everyone what psycho-crazy content Dex was really posting. This is also when we think it’s crucial to lob unviewed and un-responded posts at Dex, because we don’t want him thinking he got away with anything.
3. Bargaining Bargaining often goes hand in hand with denial. Bargaining can be looking for any possible way to make OT Board thrive again - through pleads, suggesting that you'd visit and "like" his OT Content more regularly, or promises that you'd convince his sweet wife to attend yet another Frankie Valli concert with him. Of course, this phase is not only limited to bargaining with your former OT Mod. Many people - even Walk, promise to be a less confrontational posters, if only the Mod will come back. During this stage, you may take a new interest in astrology, tarot cards or any type of voodoo that will forecast a reunion. This is also when we attempt to enlist all friends and family to “talk some sense” into him.
4. Depression Depression, like anger, also surfaces in many different forms, for example feeling tired all the time, not wanting to do anything but lay in bed, feeling disconnected from Friartownhoops even when you’re online, being on the verge of tears most of the time, trouble sleeping or sleeping too much, loss of appetite or overeating, increase in drug or alcohol use and—the big one—hopelessness. Hopelessness is the most pervasive and debilitating; it is the thing that leads us to believe that the Board will never be the same. Hopelessness makes it feel like you will never move on and that nothing will ever work out for you in the future.
5. Acceptance Finally, this is the phase in which we are able to make peace with the loss. It doesn’t always come on suddenly; it often happens gradually, little bit by little bit, interspersed with some of the other phases. Acceptance doesn’t always involve harmony and flowers—there is almost certain to be lingering sadness. Acceptance entails making peace with the loss, letting go of the OT Mod and slowly moving forward with your posting..."
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Post by dex on May 24, 2019 6:29:05 GMT -5
Grey Goose Martini's help
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Post by dex on May 24, 2019 6:29:18 GMT -5
RELATIONSHIP ADVICE Relative won’t attend bar mitzvah AMY DICKINSON
Dear Amy,
My grand-nephew is being bar mitzvahed next month.
His father has decided to hold the ceremonies in a Chabad synagogue, in which men and women are not allowed to sit together.
I refuse to attend this ceremony, which I consider medieval and sexist in nature. My wife — it’s her side of the family — knows how I feel, and is OK with my choice, but will attend the ceremony, nevertheless.
Quite honestly, I am really disappointed in her decision.
I’d like to tell the family how I feel, and encourage them to boycott the ceremony, as well.
Should I encourage my wife not to attend? Should I notify the rest of the family?
— Disgusted Husband
You are completely within your rights to stay home from a religious ceremony you consider “medieval and sexist in nature.”
And now I wonder: Who put you in charge of the rest of the family?
The boy’s father may be moving toward a more conservative faith practice. Do you expect to disrupt his journey toward the ultra-orthodox through your own tough judgment? Could you exert enough pressure to get this branch of your wife’s family to change? (No, you could not.)
Furthermore, your desire to control your wife is — well, let’s just call it ironic.
— Write to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068, or email askamy@ amydickinson.com .
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pcdad
Friar Fanatic
Posts: 3,708
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Post by pcdad on May 24, 2019 10:33:30 GMT -5
Psssst, Disgusted,,
It ain't about you.
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friar82
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Post by friar82 on May 26, 2019 11:29:31 GMT -5
Thoughts during this long weekend...
Americans are at their best when they unite around a noble purpose. On Memorial Day, that purpose is to take time to reflect and honor the sacrifice of our brave men and women who went to war and never came home. As one nation under God, we should join together to honor those who died for our freedom, each one an American treasure.
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Post by dex on May 26, 2019 11:35:53 GMT -5
VERY VERY well said '82...this is a memorable Memorial Day for Dex now knowing I have a patriotic Partner
helping to inform the world on this magnificent OT Board.
"Ease my burden, that's what you do"
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Post by dex on May 27, 2019 7:51:43 GMT -5
ELATIONSHIP ADVICE Kids are upset by Mom’s involvement AMY DICKINSON
Dear Amy,
My significant other (we were never officially married) died six months ago from a long-term illness.
In our 25 years together, we had a 25-year-old daughter and a 21-year-old son. During that time, my SO also had an illegitimate son. That son is also 21, and is just a few months older than the son he and I had together.
I didn’t even meet this son until he was 15 years old. After my significant other’s death, his son, “Seth,” began living with me and my son.
About a month ago I developed a sexual relationship with Seth. My children have now disowned me, calling the relationship disgusting, a poor decision, and inappropriate.
Other than the age gap of 25 years, we are both single, both adults, and we are not related, I didn’t raise him, I didn’t even meet him until he was 15 years old, and I was never married to his dad — therefore I was never a stepmom. Do you think my children are correct in their perception of this relationship?
— Not a Stepmother
Your children perceive that your choice to engage in a sexual relationship with their half-brother a mere five months after their father’s death is disgusting, a poor decision, and inappropriate.
You have crossed a number of taboos and boundaries and are now splitting hairs: (“we weren’t officially married, I barely knew this kid,” etc.). But this young man is biologically related to your children. He moved into your home as a family member. What happened next is pretty icky.
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Post by dex on May 28, 2019 7:50:47 GMT -5
Dear Carolyn,
My sister’s husband confessed to an online affair and apparently is going through a major midlife crisis. My poor sister is of course stressed and worried, although they are doing marriage counseling and he is also doing counseling himself (I think).
The problem is we (my mom and I, we’re a very close-knit bunch) now hate this guy’s guts. We were never crazy about him — he’s selfish, rude, etc. — but tolerated him because he made my sister happy. Now he’s not even doing that.
So if they stay together, what’s the best way to deal with him?
— Hate His Guts
He was a selfish rude jerk who made your sister happy, and he has since become a selfish rude jerk who makes your sister stressed and worried. If they stay together, then presumably he will be returning to his role as a selfish rude jerk who makes her happy, or at least happy enough for her not to leave.
Which means you can go back to your original modus operandi: putting up with him because he’s part of your sister’s package deal.
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Post by dex on May 29, 2019 7:34:25 GMT -5
She dreads meeting The Other Woman
CAROLYN HAX
Dear Carolyn,
My 25-year marriage ended about five years ago, due mostly to his (not first) affair. He is now married to The Other Woman. He and I are stiffly cordial because we have two now-grown daughters.
Sooner or later, I am going to have to meet this woman. There will be a wedding or a graduation or something, and I am already dreading it.
Do I have to take the high road and shake her hand if she offers it? Or can I refuse to shake the hand of the lying cheater who broke up two families?
Any guidance?
— Already Full of Dread
This is so hard, I’m sorry. Coming up with a script that you can live with will allow you (mostly) to put the whole issue away until you have to face it for real.
To that end, a key point: Your ex is the one who made vows to you, and he therefore betrayed you far more profoundly than the other woman did. Yet you have found a way to be “stiffly cordial” to your ex. Accordingly, give her the same stiff cordiality that you give your ex.
“Hello,” you say, as you proffer a hand — so much better to be in control.
Then: “If you’ll excuse me, I ...” have reasons to be elsewhere.
— Write to Carolyn Hax in care of The Providence Journal Features Department, 75 Fountain St., Providence, RI 02902, or email tellme@ washpost.com.
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Post by dex on May 30, 2019 7:57:52 GMT -5
Busy mom needs some alone time CAROLYN HAX
Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Dear Carolyn,
I am a single mom of two incredible boys. Even though I have absolutely nothing to complain about, sometimes I just want to run away.
I want to be in a place for a day or a week (or a year) where no one needs or demands anything from me — problems solved, forms signed, appointments made. I love all the people in my life dearly, but I get to a point where I just want to scream at them to leave me alone. Some days it’s hard not to feel sucked dry.
I am trying to be more positive and remember just how great I have it. Do you have any advice for getting back to that grateful state of mind?
— Trying to be Grateful
It sounds like what you really need is some alone time. A chunk of it, built into your schedule, accounted for with child care and without apology. If you’re an introvert, this is a mental health issue. Forget for a moment that it’s OK just to want to be alone sometimes. People also perform better for others when their own needs are met. No breaks = breakdowns.
— Write to Carolyn Hax in care of The Providence Journal Features Department, 75 Fountain St., Providence, RI 02902, or email tellme@ washpost.com .
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pcdad
Friar Fanatic
Posts: 3,708
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Post by pcdad on May 30, 2019 14:49:55 GMT -5
Introvert=a mental health issue. Does not compute Will Robinson.
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friar82
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Post by friar82 on May 30, 2019 17:28:44 GMT -5
Daily Thought goes out to everyone - including Greg Gantt as he marvels about having access to a gym on a 24-hour basis (kudos to benefactors of the Ruanne Friar Development Center - including one of our own, whos name is included on a plaque in the Lobby):
"...Over-prepare, then go with the flow"
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Post by dex on May 31, 2019 8:15:24 GMT -5
Dealing with a self-absorbed mom CAROLYN HAX
Dear Carolyn,
I need guidance on how to improve relations with my mother. While she is loving with me and my siblings, she tends to be extremely self-absorbed and unaware during conversation. She has the uncanny ability to flip even the most mundane conversation into something about her; she will interrupt, speak over, and redirect conversation in her favor. She almost never asks questions about me, my work, life, or partner — much less about his life.
When I do open up to her about events in my life, she is uninterested and distracted, only to (again) turn the conversation toward her.
Not only is this frustrating, but it hurts. I have previously confronted her about feeling invalidated, and it resulted with her in tears and acting victimized.
— Unintentionally Distant
If your mother’s failure to engage is reserved just for you, then being hurt would make sense.
Either way, though, if you think of those as two paths on a flow chart — 1. “She does this to everybody”; 2. “She does this only to me” — then they both still end up pointing to the same square: Accept her limitations. Showing an interest in your life/others’ lives is not how your mother shows love. Period.
— Write to Carolyn Hax in care of The Providence Journal Features Department, 75 Fountain St., Providence, RI 02902, or email tellme@ washpost.com .
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Post by Free Weyinmi on May 31, 2019 17:19:45 GMT -5
Introvert=a mental health issue. Does not compute Will Robinson. Yeah, that requires some clarification from Ms. Hax.
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