Advice To The Lovelorn & More

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Freshman has roomie worries
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Amy Dickinson

Dear Amy,

I am moving into my freshman dorm for college soon. I am moving in with two roommates, “K,” who is very extroverted, and L, who seems visibly shy and quiet.

I was trying to loop L in to some of the discussions of the housing, but K kept talking over him. K stated that he hates shy people.

We haven’t spoken since we met up a month ago, but I’m getting increasingly worried that L and K won’t get along.

Should I text K to ask him to allow L to have his own space? Or should I ignore the situation?

— Not Sure

“K” states that he “hates” people who are essentially simply temperamentally different from him. I agree that this raises a red flag concerning your housing, and especially “L’s” overall well-being.

But I don’t think you should attempt to intervene in advance, because you don’t actually know how this is going to work out for any of you.

Once on campus, you should definitely intervene or attempt to mediate as soon as you detect boorish behavior, bullying, or overt exclusion toward “L.”

Your university has a dean of housing, as well as resident advisers on each floor. Do not hesitate to take this issue to these adults immediately if there is a problem.

— Write to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068, or email askamy@ amydickinson.com.

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RELATIONSHIP ADVICE
Wife wonders if separation is permanent

Amy Dickinson

Dear Amy,

My husband and I have been married for 12 years. We have two children together.

I can fully admit that the last few years have not been our best. We’ve argued frequently.

Six months ago, he moved out for what was supposed to be a short-term break. During that time, he has been treated for depression and anxiety.

He has maintained that his only goal is to get well enough to come home to be a family, but I feel like I’m being led on with false promises.

He constantly sets milestones he wants to reach before he can come home. Every time he reaches a milestone he sets, he sets another, and then another.

Am I just incredibly naive to think that he will actually move back as he has promised?

I wrestle with constantly feeling hurt. I’ve become resentful for parenting on my own.

I’ve had to explain his absence to our children and respond to their hurt feelings when he says he will be home and then doesn’t show up.

— Hurt Wife

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Suspicious of dad’s new girlfriend
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Amy Dickinson

Dear Amy,

My parents divorced when my father was 50 because he was having an affair with a younger woman. My siblings and I eventually accepted “Cherie,” and grew quite fond of her.

About 18 months ago, my dad started to complain about how Cherie was too dependent on him. He quite suddenly moved out and dissolved their 20-year relationship. We were supportive, but concerned, as it seemed like a drastic move.

Within a week, my dad mentioned a new “friend.” She is about 20 years younger than him. He has paid for and taken her on trips, and had her car repaired.

My siblings and I are worried that this woman is taking advantage of him. We’ve suggested that he might use his time better by finding a volunteer role or a part-time job, but he doesn’t seem interested. Should we try to accept this woman, for better or worse?

— Suspicious Daughter

Your father doesn’t want to do volunteer work. He wants to be with a woman. Based on his behavior so far, this seems like one of his core characteristics.

Your father is living his life. You portray him as a fairly shallow man. But this is his life. You are not required to see his current partner as a family member, but you would be wise to get to know her.

— Write to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068, or email askamy@ amydickinson.com.

[pcdad]

An oft repeated story.

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Is sexting addiction or choice?
Amy Dickinson


Dear Amy,

My husband and I are a same-sex couple. We have been together for six years (married for the past year). During this time, I have battled with an embarrassing addiction — to social media and sexting.

I was caught on three occasions — the third time just three weeks ago.

He asked me to move out (which I did), but he wants no contact. He refuses to talk about our relationship.

I understand that this is my fault, but he also carries some blame. He would be in bed by 9 p.m. most nights and due to medication had very little sex drive. This made me feel lonely and sad and I would turn to online chats to fill the emptiness.

I am getting counseling and have made a number of changes to deal with my addiction, but I still love him and want to work on the relationship.

— Hurt

You choose to label your behavior as an addiction. I see it more as a choice. Your relationship wasn’t as fulfilling as you wanted, and so you went looking elsewhere. The sooner you take responsibility, the sooner you will gain the ability to make lasting change.

The only way to gain back your husband’s trust is for you to change, and then to prove that you’ve changed. Even then, it might be too late for your relationship, but it won’t be too late for you.

— Write to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068, or email askamy@ amydickinson.com .

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ADVICE
Family gatherings and politics

Amy Dickinson

Dear Amy,

At a family gathering, I completely lost it when my brother-in-law started spouting birther conspiracies.

I called him a racist effing moron and stormed out.

I know I did not handle this well. But what else could I do?

I try not to talk politics with that side of the family, but I believe racism must not go unchallenged. Should I apologize?

— Not (Usually) a Hothead

Your brother-in-law spouted a demonstrably false conspiracy theory directed at our former president. You responded not by attacking his views and debunking them, but by attacking him personally and directly, using a profanity, and then storming out.

In leaving the way you did, you turned the conversation away from him and his obnoxious beliefs, and onto you and your obnoxious behavior.

Who do you think really “won” that encounter? He baited the hook and you bit.

Must you tolerate the intolerable? Absolutely not. In the future, shut (or shout) this down, but don’t surrender your own humanity.

In terms of apologizing, I do think you should at least acknowledge your behavior: “Donald, I realize I blew up the last time I saw you. Your views are deeply insulting, but I responded by attacking you, when I should have attacked your point of view.”

I suggest holiday hosts this year might want to announce a moratorium on talking about topics that might lead to this sort of exchange (are there any topics left?).

I assume that many families will have gaps at their holiday table, as some people will choose to stay away, rather than face the sort of scene you’ve described.

— Write to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068, or email askamy@ amydickinson.com .

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HEALTH

Timing, food can affect Viagra

Dr. Keith Roach

Dear Dr. Roach,

My husband and I are very fortunate to have had a happy relationship for many years. Now, we have to add Viagra to the mix. Sometimes it works; sometimes it doesn’t. Is there anything we can do to enhance its effectiveness?

— Anonymous

Viagra works by changing the way blood flows in and out of the penis. Erectile dysfunction can be caused by circulation problems; neurological problems; endocrine problems; and relationship issues.

The problem with Viagra working intermittently is that it is affected by food. Food slows down absorption of the medication. I have often repeated the advice I heard from a urologist: “Take Viagra at 6, have dinner at 7, and you are good until midnight.”

— Write to Dr. Roach in care of The Providence Journal Features Department, 75 Fountain St., Providence, RI 02902, or email ToYourGoodHealth@ med.cornell.edu .

[friar82]

Dr. Roach's advise must have worked - as it's been nearly a year since the editor of this column posted any new bits of advise for the lovelorned.

(Note to self in future years: Viagra at 6 and dinner at 7 = Preoccupations that take one's attention away from posting)

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Dec 4, 2020 21:54:13 GMT -5 friar82 said:

Dr. Roach's advise must have worked - as it's been nearly a year since the editor of this column posted any new bits of advise for the lovelorned.

(Note to self in future years: Viagra at 6 and dinner at 7 = Preoccupations that take one's attention away from posting)

Ha Ha very funny '82 Mod...altho last time I checked you had another birthday tha moved you one step closer to septuagenarian

When I was younger I spit to the Heavens a few times myself. Found out the hard way it's not a good idea.

BUT....some have to touch the stove to know it's HOT

ps Thanks for telling BC Joe about the OT Board....mine as well close down this portal now

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RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

Family is spending the holidays in fantasyland

Dear Amy,

Due to the pandemic, my husband and I have decided that we won’t see any extended family during the holidays. Of course, we want to, and our four kids will for sure be disappointed, but we’re just not that sure if it’s worth the risk.

I expressed as much to my sister-in-law, and she responded that they’ve decided that their family wouldn’t be gathering for the holidays, either, so they understand.

Then, my mother-in-law clarified that the reason my sister-in-law’s family won’t be gathering for the holidays is because they have decided to take a trip to Disney World, instead.

She added that because it’s “dirt cheap right now” and likely won’t be crowded, it just made the most sense for them to go there at this time.

Amy, I am upset and disappointed that my sister- in-law and her family are choosing to do this.

I feel that it’s extremely irresponsible.

I know from past conversations that they are not worried for their family because they say they are perfectly healthy, and also they feel that anything outdoors is totally fine.

I really feel like saying something to them, but is it worth it?

— Self-righteous sister-in-law

You are getting this information about your sister-in-law’s choices second-hand. Given both the reality of the pandemic, and your opinion


about what they are doing, you should mainly be glad that you aren’t planning to see these family members anytime soon.

As Dr. Anthony Fauci has said, traveling any long distance creates multiple possible COVID exposures. So, while families may believe they are safe outdoors — masked and maintaining distance from other groups — getting to Florida and back carries a risk of exposing them to the virus.

Unless your sister-inlaw seeks you out to tell you about this trip, asking for your opinion, why would you volunteer it?

This family has access to the same information you have access to; they have evidently put together their own risk assessment and have decided to plow ahead with their plans.

Write to Ask Amy, P.O.

Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068, or email [e-mail].

Amy Dickinson