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Post by dex on Jul 23, 2019 8:19:24 GMT -5
Mother-in-law wants ME to apologize
CAROLYN HAX
Dear Carolyn,
My husband, “Eric,” and I accidentally offended my mother-in-law, “Gwen.” Eric’s parents are very nice people but are pretty conservative. They had a party at their house a couple of weeks ago and I offered to go over early to help cook and set up. Gwen had texted to say we should let ourselves in since she and my father-in-law had some errands to run.
I got busy in the kitchen and after a few minutes my husband came up behind me, started kissing my neck and saying some very graphic and sexual things. He does this often at home and as usual I was giggling about it.
Suddenly we heard Gwen clear her throat. Eric apologized and explained that we didn’t know she was home. She doesn’t seem to be getting over it. I saw her last weekend at my sister-in-law’s house and she barely spoke to me.
Eric talked to her and she wants ME to apologize for us “violating her kitchen.” Apparently, Eric’s not at fault but I am.
— Anonymous
Did Eric say to her, “You want my wife to apologize to you for something
I did? I will not ask her to apologize and I suggest you don’t, either.” If he didn’t, then he is now the problem.
— Write to Carolyn Hax in care of The Providence Journal Features Department, 75 Fountain St., Providence, RI 02902, or email tellme@ washpost.com .
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Post by dex on Aug 9, 2019 8:33:52 GMT -5
Wife gets bored at family gatherings CAROLYN HAX
Picture Dear Carolyn,
My husband’s family is fanatical about spending time together. They are generally pleasant, but we have nothing in common, so events are mostly just sitting in silence with smatterings of small talk. I’ve tried to start conversations or suggest games, but they seem to think the way to spend time is by sitting and staring at each other.
I used to go to every family event, but I’ve been cutting back since we got married last spring; this still means monthly gatherings, sometimes twice in a month. My husband is VERY sensitive about me “not liking” his family, and I know my absence hurts his feelings.
My husband just gets kind of quiet and sad when I say no.
— Not in Love With the In-Laws
You needed to say: “Your family is pleasant, I like them, but I do not enjoy sitting for hours making small talk.”
And then: “I will go every [loose schedule that you find bearable], because I love you, and because — as I said — I like them. But I won’t go every time.”
He deserved this information well before the wedding. Your opting out now is a bait-and-switch.
— Write to Carolyn Hax in care of The Providence Journal Features Department, 75 Fountain St., Providence, RI 02902, or email tellme@ washpost.com.
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Post by dex on Aug 12, 2019 8:23:38 GMT -5
Sharing name with ex-mistress CAROLYN HAX
Dear Carolyn,
My boyfriend used to be married to “Mandy,” with whom he has two children. He had a serious affair with “Jennifer” and left Mandy to be with her.
Ultimately the relationship with Jennifer didn’t work out.
A few months after he broke up with Jennifer, he and I got together — and I am also named “Jennifer.”
It is clear to me that many of the people I am introduced to as his girlfriend think I am THAT Jennifer. People are frosty or outright nasty to me.
His former in-laws fall into the latter category. My boyfriend asked that I not go into self-justification mode and not bring up the fact that I am “not that Jennifer,” as he would rather end all discussion of that affair altogether. I seem to be doomed to keep feeling like a dirty mistress, over and over.
— Not THAT Jennifer
I can’t see going forward with a relationship with anyone who couldn’t at least recognize that point as valid.
Assuming he does, then ask him if he has any ideas for sparing you this pain, if not with everyone, then with the people you’re going to see again and again .
— Write to Carolyn Hax in care of The Providence Journal Features Department, 75 Fountain St., Providence, RI 02902, or email tellme@ washpost.com .
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Post by dex on Aug 16, 2019 8:54:22 GMT -5
RELATIONSHIP ADVICE Emotions roll when ex gets married AMY DICKINSON
Picture Dear Amy,
My ex-boyfriend is getting married. We broke up only five months ago. We had stopped being intimate for a year before we broke up. That was a big problem for me. Plus, he smoked and drank and could not hold a job. He also has a terrible temper.
I am 62, and was married once before. He is 54, and has been married twice before. After we had been together for two years, he asked me to marry him, and I said no.
After I left him, I felt really good about my decision to end the relationship.
Why do I feel so sad and upset now? Apparently, he didn’t love me as much as I thought he did.
— Confused and Hurt
Let’s recalibrate. This man asked you to marry him. Very wisely, you said no.
In every possible universe — you win!
Getting married is not a signifier of success. For some people, getting married is what you do because you can’t hold a job, can’t quit smoking and drinking, can’t control your temper and are clinging to the bottom rung of the “what-the-hell-am-I-doing?” ladder. Getting married is a distraction. Then, it’s on to the next thing.
I give you permission to cry about this, to feel confused, and to send yourself on a brief “what-if” flight of fancy. But please, do not wonder about whether this guy loved you enough. Concentrate instead on loving yourself more.
— Write to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068, or email askamy@ amydickinson.com.
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Post by dex on Aug 19, 2019 8:13:04 GMT -5
RELATIONSHIP ADVICE Wife won’t beg ex for contact AMY DICKINSON
Dear Amy,
My husband and I separated a while back because he had an affair and left me for another woman. He hasn’t seen or spoken to our sons in over a month.
What should I do? Must I contact him and beg him to speak to his kids?
I don’t want to do that. It shouldn’t have to be up to me to reach out.
I feel that if he cared he would contact his children.
I don’t understand how a father could be that way to his own kids. What advice do you have for me?
— Saddened
Get great, compassionate, and family-centered legal advice. And always put your children first, even if that means surrendering a little of your own well-earned and righteous anger.
I can well imagine how disgusted you feel about your husband’s behavior. He cheated on you (and the kids), and then he dumped the lot of you.
Surely you shouldn’t have to bear this indignity, and then clean up after him!
And yet — you should. Because that’s what good parents do. Your sons already have one crappy parent; you get to be the good one.
I’m assuming that your children either wholeheartedly want to have contact with their father, or are at the very least conflicted about him. You should encourage them to talk about how they feel, without fear that they might trigger an angry reaction from you, or feel that they, too, are betraying you.
Do what you can to pave the way toward contact. I’m not suggesting that you beg, but that you make sure their father understands that the kids miss him.
— Write to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068, o
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Post by dex on Sept 17, 2019 8:12:54 GMT -5
ADVICE Sexting situation unsettles spouse Amy Dickinson
Dear Amy,
I just found out that my husband was sexting with my sister, “A.”
From what I was told, nothing else happened, other than that they sent each other inappropriate pictures.
My entire family knew about this. No one told me until recently that I was having problems with my husband. I didn’t even know.
It is hard for me to keep a secret, so I confronted my husband. He admitted it and he said that he is wrong for doing this. My problem is that now I can’t look at him. I keep thinking about what he did to me.
Also, he said he sent pictures of his privates to other girls, but I don’t know who they are.
We have two kids. I am considering asking for a divorce, but the only thing that is holding me back is my children. I don’t know if I can live like this, though, just for my children to have both of their parents together.
Please help!
— Going Crazy
You don’t seem to have questions about your relationship with your sister, but yes, your relationship with your husband is in trouble.
Is he registered on internet sites where he is meeting women and sending or exchanging these photos? What are his motivations for doing this? If he knows that this is wrong, then why is he doing it? You should ask these questions and attempt to have an honest dialogue about it. A marriage counselor would help.
Staying together for the sake of the kids isn’t necessarily best for any of you, especially if your husband is engaged in compulsive sexualized or sex-seeking behavior.
— Write to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068, or email askamy@ amydickinson.com .
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mikemc
Friar Fanatic
Posts: 3,241
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Post by mikemc on Sept 19, 2019 7:02:46 GMT -5
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Post by dex on Sept 19, 2019 7:58:52 GMT -5
Mike I love you like a brother despite your friendship with BC Joe, but if you don't copy & paste semi-blocked articles I will have to suspend you from participating on the fabulously popular OT Board. You waste my time and my hundreds of thousands of readers time.
Tread carefully or I 86 you....despite my Yankee roots once upon a time
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Post by dex on Sept 20, 2019 8:35:09 GMT -5
HEALTH A question of shrinkage Dr. Keith Roach
Dear Dr. Roach,
I’m an 81-year-old man. Two years ago, I began to realize that my testicles were shrinking, and they are now about the size of a marble. My last testosterone result was about
500. Can anything be done?
— L.D.
The medical term for what’s happening to you is “testicular atrophy,” and it has several possible causes. Age alone is one: At age 81, many men have noticed some shrinkage in testicular size, but yours is beyond the norm.
Among the other common causes are a history of trauma or infection. However, any underlying cause can also affect the ability to make testosterone. Your blood testosterone level is normal for your age.
After two years, it is very unlikely that any treatments will affect the testicles now.
— Write to Dr. Roach in care of The Providence Journal Features Department, 75 Fountain St., Providence, RI 02902, or email ToYourGoodHealth@ med.cornell.edu .
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pcdad
Friar Fanatic
Posts: 3,708
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Post by pcdad on Sept 21, 2019 10:12:18 GMT -5
Whoever called them "The Golden Years" didn't know of what he spoke.
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Post by dex on Sept 21, 2019 10:41:13 GMT -5
Truer words were never spoken Daddy-O
Post 70 sucks
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Post by dex on Sept 24, 2019 8:26:12 GMT -5
Grandparents give too much Amy Dickinson
Picture Dear Amy,
My husband’s mom and stepdad are very generous with our two children.
They often take the kids overnight and always return them with new toys and clothes — too much, in our opinion.
Our children have many toys that they just don’t use. My mother-in-law has also told us that they have financial concerns.
We have tried asking for them to spend time instead of money on the kids, but they insist the gifts are always on sale or are inexpensive secondhand items, and that it makes them happy to give the kids “stuff.”
When we try to talk about this, his mom tends to make passive-aggressive statements in response.
— Upset
Your reaction to this overindulgence is reasonable, and it sounds as if you have done your best to communicate your values respectfully to your children’s grandparents.
Their reaction is overblown, angry, and unreasonable, but understand that when they load up on “stuff” for the kids, they likely believe that they are showing an abundance of love. Sometimes — especially when people are hurting financially — they will see showering material things as the ultimate expression of love and generosity.
If the grandparents continue to overindulge during overnights, explain to the kids the “one toy in, one toy out” rule: They can choose what they want to keep as long as they pick out the same number of toys they no longer play with (or clothes they no longer wear) to put into the donation box.
— Write to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068, or email askamy@ amydickinson.com.
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Post by dex on Sept 26, 2019 7:54:04 GMT -5
He wants a do-over after his affair Carolyn Hax
Picture Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Dear Carolyn,
My wife and I separated a few months ago. I had felt lonely and unsatisfied in our marriage and consequently developed feelings for another woman.
It was the worst mistake of my life. Once the newness of the new relationship wore off, we fought constantly and ended up breaking up.
Now I’m realizing how stupid and selfish I’ve been. My selfishness led to the breakdown of my marriage and I am truly sorry.
So far, we’re just separated, but my wife refuses to talk to me. I just want to tell her I’m sorry. What’s the best way to proceed?
— Ex
The best way to proceed is to get yourself well. You’ve had an epiphany — that’s excellent, and it seems genuine — but that doesn’t mean your wife has any reason to think it’s anything other than that your affair fizzled and you want to get back into a warm bed.
Stop pressuring her to talk to you. Respect her right to be furious at you.
Instead, focus on getting help for yourself. You need good therapy, spiritual guidance if appropriate, and a good hard stare-down with your frailties.
—Write to Carolyn Hax in care of The Providence Journal Features Department, 75 Fountain St., Providence, RI 02902, or email tellme@washpost.com.
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Post by dex on Sept 28, 2019 9:16:59 GMT -5
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Post by dex on Oct 1, 2019 8:15:01 GMT -5
ADVICE Lack of gratitude from bride Amy Dickinson
Dear Amy,
My friend recently got married. I understand that her life got crazy with everything surrounding the wedding.
Her mother threw her a three-day bachelorette party, held out of town.
Afterward, I don’t think she even texted anyone a simple thank you. It would have been nice to know that she enjoyed the weekend, or appreciated that we all showed up from all over the country.
I gave her a gift and never received an acknowledgment for that, either.
The big wedding day was a few weeks later. They ran out of funds for a videographer, so I volunteered.
I am a photographer, so this wasn’t completely out of my realm, but it was the first go, for me, at making video.
After spending months editing the pieces together (which was enormous and time-consuming), I had it finalized with sound and special effects. The results were amazing! Truly, a professional videographer would charge no less than $2,000 for what I turned in!
I don’t care about the money (of course), but I’m just so surprised that all I received was a quick texted thank you. Her husband emailed me a nicer thanks, but even his email was literally only three sentences.
— Put Upon
You feel unappreciated because you ARE unappreciated. A gift as consequential as a wedding video deserves a sincere expression of thanks — spoken or written (even if the couple didn’t like it, they should have thanked you for your effort). And a gift as consequential as your ongoing friendship also warrants an expression of gratitude.
— Write to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068, or email askamy@ amydickinson.com .
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